Three Vamps, A Slayer, And A Bloody Mess
by Ultrawoman
Summary: What happens when a serious fic writer like Ultra lets her mind take a walk on the weird side? Well, for starters, Riley dies... [Pointless fic for my own amusement, but I thought I'd share]


****

A/N : Y'see, when I'm not being little miss serious fic writer, my brain goes over to the weird place and this kinda stuff happens. I make no apologies for the following piece of...well, lets just call it 'pointless fiction', if you don't like Riley-bashing, vamping, and death, then please leave immediately. Beware also of the B/S and the C/A. Don't say you weren't warned - weirdness is coming! Rated PG-13 for bad words, character vamping, and death, (although all is done in a humorous way). Of course, Joss owns all BtVS and AtS characters. I think that's everything...so please read on, and review if you want though I really don't expect any reviews on this...

Three Vamps, A Slayer, And A Bloody Mess

[Scene : In a cemetary, somewhere in a resurrected Sunnydale, present day]

Spike: O neg is so much better than A neg.

Angel: Spike my boy, you're so young, you have no idea...

Buffy: Can't you two agree on anything?!

Spike & Angel: ...

[Enter Riley]

Riley: Hey Buffy

Buffy: Riley?

Spike: What are you doing back here, CrewCut?

Angel: God I hate this guy.

Spike: There you go, luv. One thing me and Peaches here agree on, your ex is a loser.

Buffy: Shut up! Riley, what are you doing here?

Riley: Well, I...

Spike: No, don't tell us, let me guess...your demon hunting better half had a tragic accident and died so now you're back in SunnyD, fuguring you can get a little comfort off the Slayer?

Riley: Well, kind of, yeah.

Angel: Tell me you're not gonna fall for his crap, Buff.

Buffy: Hey, I...you just called me Buff? You never do that unless...oh God...

Spike: Unless, what?

Buffy: Angelus? How did this happen?

Angelus: Me and Cordelia kind of have a thing now.

Buffy: But that doesn't follow the series story arc and everything...?

Angelus: It's fanfic Buff, anything's possible.

Spike: You're not all soul having? Excellent! That'll depress her enough that she might actually sleep with me again.

Riley: You think _I_ might have a shot?

Buffy: In your dreams, SoldierBoy!

Spike: That's my girl.

Buffy: I could never be your girl! [punches Spike in the face, he falls down]

Spike: Ow!

Buffy: Oops, sorry. Deja vu.

Riley: Buffy, I love you, I want you back...[carries on talking but she ignores him when Angelus starts talking to her]

Angelus: You do realise that now my soul is gone we can have as much sex as we want...

Buffy: Hey, I never thought of that...

Spike: [standing up again] Hey what about me? I died for you!

Buffy: Speaking of, how come you're back and all touchable and stuff?

Spike: Again, cos it's fanfic. I can come back to life anytime and be touchable if the author makes it so...speaking of, you can touch any part of me you like, pet.

Riley: Is anyone listening to me?

Everyone Else: No!

Angelus: So Buff, you up for a little...

Spike: Sod off Angelus, she's my bird now... [squares up to Angelus]

Buffy: Hey, guys, guys, calm down. You don't have to fight over me...well, okay, go ahead, it's great for my ego.

Riley: Can I fight too?

Angelus: I fought you before, remember? You really want to go again?

Riley: I-I'm n-n-not afraid of y-you...

Angelus: [vamps out] You sure about that, boy?

Buffy: [waves arms] Hey, focusing on me here!

Angelus: What do you say, Spike? Up for a little killing?

Spike: Why not? Always wanted to do some damage to one of these commando types, after that soddin' chip they put in my skull.

Buffy: [jumps up and down] Hey, remember me? Girl you're supposed to fight over?!

Angelus: [Moves toward Riley]

Riley: [starts to run]

Angelus: [runs after him] I love it when they run...

Buffy: You finally gonna focus on me now?

Spike: [ignores Buffy, walks over to mirror] Hey, I got a reflection, and no fangs...I think I'm human.

Buffy: Big deal! Slayer here, needs a little action!

Riley: [Screams in background as Angelus attacks him]

Spike: Any chance of you being less self-involved for five seconds?

Buffy: Probably not.

Spike: Oh well, nevermind. I still love you so... [picks her up and plans to carry her off to bed but...]

Angelus: [Returns, dragging limp body of Riley] Hey, what's going on?

Riley: [wakes up, now as a vampire] I'm a vampire! Now Buffy will like me! Buffy, I love you and now I'm a bad-ass vamp!

Buffy: Oh, sorry Riley, I'm completey over my undead phase, Spike's human now. [Spike carries her away]

Riley: But I...[to Angelus] guess it's just you and me?

Cordelia: [enters] Angel! Where have you been? I want to take advantage of your non-soul status so we can have lots of sex...woah, channelling Anya, much? That was freaky, I almost forgot which of Xander's ex-girlfriends I was supposed to be!

Angelus: Did you say something about sex? [picks up Cordelia and carries her away]

Riley: So what am I supposed to do here all by myself.

Author: [throws stake and it goes straight through Riley's heart and dusts him] Well, that was all kind of pointless, but I had fun even if no-one else did :-)

~~The End~~

****

[Serious fic update tomorrow - next chapter of 'Oh Brother!' as promised before :-)]


End file.
